Miscellaneous yo mama jokes

Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!

Yo mama aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!

Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.

It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!

Yo mama hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.

Yo mama hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.

Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.

Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.

Yo mama twice the man you are.

Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.

Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past nine.

Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

Yo mama middle name is Rambo.

Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more."

Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

Yo mama so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.

Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

Yo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.

Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.

I saw your mama at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.

I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving."

Yo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.

Yo mama is so flat

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of the wall!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a book!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a piece of paper!

Yo mama's hair is so short

Yo mama hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.

Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.

Yo mama's nose is so big

Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!

Yo mama nose so big that her neck broke from the weight!

Yo mama's house is so small

Yo mama house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it.

Yo mama house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.

Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

Yo mama's glasses so thick

Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.

Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow

Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

Yo mama's house is so dirty

Yo mama house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!

Yo mama house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.

Yo mama's head so large

Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts.

Yo mama head so big it shows up on radar.

Yo mama is so dirty

Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.

Yo mama so dirty she makes mud look clean.

Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!

Yo mama so dirty that you can't tell where the dirt stops and she begins.

Yo mama is so old

Yo mama so old, When she farted dust came out! 

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama so ugly she looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Yo mama so ugly that not even goldfish crackers smile back

Yo mama so ugly Bob the Builder looked at her and said "I CAN'T FIX THAT!"

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama is so nasty

Yo Mama's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.

Yo Mama's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!

Yo Mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said whats for dinner, yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"

Yo Mama's so nasty, she has a sign around her neck that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."

Yo Mama's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down.

Yo Mama's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left.

Yo Mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

Yo Mama's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.

Yo Mama's so nasty, a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.

Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.

Yo mama is so short

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.

Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.

Yo mama so short she models for trophys.

Yo mama is so dark

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!

Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!

Yo mama is so black when she went outside the street lights turned on!
Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.

Yo mama so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers.

Yo mama is so greasy

o mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!

Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!

Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her

Yo mama is so stupid

Yo mama so stupid she tried to put her m&ms in alphabetical order.

Yo mama so stupid she put paper on the television and called it paper view

Yo mama so stupid she went to the orthodontist to get a blue tooth

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a mattress store and sleep on the floor

Yo mama so stupid she thinks taco bell is a mexican phone company 

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat God told her he had no room in heaven and the devil said there was no room in hell

Yo Mama so fat her BMI is measured in acres.

Yo Mama so fat when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama is so hairy

Yo mama so hairy the only language she speaks is wookie. 


Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
 
Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan

Yo mama is so bald

Yo mama so bald, when she braids her hair, it looks like stitches.

Yo mama so bald, when she puts on a turtle neck she looks like a roll on deodorant.

Yo mama so bald, when she goes to bed, her head slips off the pillow.

Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldn't help!

Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind

Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

Yo mama is so poor

Yo mama so poor when I went to rob her house i went in the front door and tripped out the back.

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!

Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.

Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.

Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."

Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.

Yo mama so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her!

Yo mama so poor she uses curtains as blankets! 

Yo mama is so lazy

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

Yo mama is so skinny

Yo mama so skinny her nipples touch.

Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

Yo mama so skinny she has to hold herself above the toilet for fear of falling in.

Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.

Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.

Yo mama has

Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.

Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.

Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.

Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.

Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.

Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.

Yo mama has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.

Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.

Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.

Yo mama has a short arm and can't applaude.

Yo mama has so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!

Yo mama has three fingers and a banjo.

Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.

Yo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.

Yo mama has a wooden leg with branches.

Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.

Ugly person illness

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Better relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Loud, mad, or sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Low self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Signs and notices 17

hese are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."

An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."

Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."

On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"

A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"

Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

Signs and notices 16

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a restaurant in New York: "Tip-ing is not a city in China."

Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: "Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)"

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: "Safety ladder, climb at own risk."

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA "Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!"

Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: "Run like Anything!"

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) "Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends."

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: "Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: "Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did :)"