Airport problem

An Arab at the airport:

- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast!

Dear dear

Dear Wife

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband
PS. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to Melbourne together! Have a Great Life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look like a girl!" Since my mother raised me to not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50.00 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote will ensure you won't get a cent from me. So take care,

Signed Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free!
PS. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born as CARL. I hope that’s not a problem.

18 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator

Bored, bored... well next time you're on an elevator and feel a little bored, liven up the moment with some of these perspicacious ideas. And of course I can't promise you money back guaranteed.

1. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
2. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
3. Swat at flies that don't exist.
4. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
5. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
6. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
7. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
8. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
9. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
10. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
12. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
13. Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortunately mine don't come out loud."
14. Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
15. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
16. Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
17. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
18. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
19. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Yes you calculate very well, there is 19 things.